Sick of feeling like this. I dont want to do anything. I have to motivation. Qsoe song.. I don’t want to live, but I don’t want to die, I want to be living, not just surviving.
I’m just not having fun. So many lovely feeling I could be having that I only ever get a second of. Snippets of how I could be. I’m hoping the motivation will come for tomorrow. My party. Toms in work so I’ve gotta sort the house out. But I dont even want the bloody party. All my best mates aren’t coming. I’ve even invited my c list friends and they’ve not even replied.
I wonder if I went away alone if I’d feel better. A bit of solitude. No connection to the outside world. Just myself to see to. Would it help? Or would I just feel the same when I return?
I keep trying to think my way out. Talk to myself. I’m causing this feeling by the way I think. How can I stop thinking? How can I stop feeling affected by the way others think? How can I stop being affected by the way I think?

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Pity party

It was my birthday on Tuesday.  I’ve been really low all week and Tuesday was no exception. Trying to be in a happy mood and look pleased with tom and my boys efforts… I just wanted to lock myself away and cry.

I’d organised a bbq party for tomorrow  (sat) I’ve had a summer party for years and usually coincide it with my birthday as an extra excuse to get all my mates and family.
This year it’s more. I’ve been so down I needed something to look forward to. So I created my Facebook event, as you do, and invited all my friends and family. One by one they replied with their reasons as to why they couldn’t make it. No worries. The people I really wanted there, my closest girl friends, we’re coming. As this week’s passed, they also cancelled. Every single one of them. 14 down to zero. So I have my mum and dad 2 sisters, by brother and his wife.

Whilst I should be grateful for a large family that always guarantees at least 2 people will come, I’m left feeling distraught. I really wanted to see my friends.. some I haven’t seen for a long time, probably because I stopped making the effort while I was depressed, I didn’t see anyone but my door smoking teenage friends… that I don’t see anymore cos I’m not smoking. So I feel like it’s my fault cos I just didn’t get in touch… but then, they didn’t either. I was going through a rough time and they never bothered to check up on me, came for a cuppa, asked if I fancied going shopping. Even my sisters stopped seeing me.. probably because I was always stoned :/ but they wouldn’t know cos they didn’t ask.

So I want to tell them how gutted I am and that I need a mate. I’m still depressed, but I’m back in work, 3 months clean and trying my best to get out of this fucking hole I keep slipping back into.
I start the message… then delete it. I dont want to make them feel bad for not being a good enough friend. I try to explain myself and what’s been happening. It looks like I’m saying ‘I fucked up, had a year of being stoned and now I need you’ I don’t want to guilt them into being there for me. My mum said ‘the ones that mean something to you will come’ people always say the ones that count with be with you. What does that say for my friends then? I thought I was lucky with my group of friends but I’m not that important to them. I’ve gone out if my way to be there for them when they’ve needed me. Took a mate in when she split with her fella, consoled a mate for days after her mother died ignoring my own life and tending to her, was there for a friend when she was struggling mentally, but she pushed me away, point is, if any one of them asked me for anything, I did it, even when I was at my lowest I spent most of my energy on trying to rebuild a mates business then mediating between him and his partner through a horrible break up, then trying to be there for both of them whilst neglecting myself.

Friends are important to me. If there’s a do coming up, I book it off work and make sure I attend, I put a lot of thought into gifts and love involving them in my decisions.
I got married in cyprus, no one would come with me as a bridesmaid. My little sister came only because my disabled sister paid for her. I put it down to short notice (3 months) but even when I planned the reception at home, I had no friends helping me. Thankfully I do have my sisters and they always step in when my friends don’t.  But they have to, we’re family. They don’t choose to be my friend.

The last maybe has just declined. She’s working and hopes I have a fab time.
So out of non-family members I have.. 1 guy I used to work with, one partner of a friend that’s on holiday, barry, a cheery 50yr old I met when I used to go to jam nights that txt me randomly the other day so I asked him to come… that’s it. I should be grateful with my family there’ll be about 13 people. But 2 will leave after an hour… 4 have little kids so won’t stay long either.

Fuck them!!!

Sadness
Reasoning
Anger…

What comes next?
I’ll tell ya! Me not caring, getting plastered, and crying into my gin by 6pm.

How do I think around this? How can I feel loved and appreciated by my mates when it’s like this? How do I tell them I need them without looking like im throwing a pity party?

Maybe I’ll change the name of the do to pity party.

14th july

Had a rough few days. Had a very scary thing to deal with that’s left me questioning my relationship. But its too delicate to talk about so I’m not going to. However I will explain how it made me feel and I think has caused a relapse.  My anxiety is back. Whatever I think of that needs attention turns my stomach. They aren’t things I can deal with right away so I’m just left thinking.

My plans to go jogging are slacking. I really want to get into a routine where I’m looking forward to a run, but like tonight, I have no motivation. I have no excuse not to.. it’s a nice evening, aidans occupied, toms at work.. just the thought of getting on my running gear and pulling and pushing myself… I just don’t want to.. but I do.. and I don’t.  What is this? Why am I so lazy? I also need a shower and I cba doing that either. I dont want to anything but get in bed and fall asleep. I did manage to put my pj’s on earlier but that’s only because my pants were cutting me in half. I hate living like this.. dreading everything and looking forward to nothing. And feeling anxious as soon as my mind starts to wander.
I don’t give myself credit for the little things I do. I feel like I should’ve done these things a while ago and I don’t deserve credit or get any joy from doing things that need it like checking I have enough money, bringing the washing in.. well that’s it for today apart from working and feeling myself.. ooh I did brush my teeth today so that’s good.  But they shouldn’t be seen as achievements cos I should just do those things, not make a big deal about them. I really just want to hide away and sleep so I don’t have to think or do.
The amount of good days I’ve had recently are next to none. I cant remember the last time I felt happy and content and in a good jovial mood. I’m lucky if u get a few hours a week!

I’m low so much I cant remember what it feels like to feel normal. I actually Googled ‘daily routines’ today. I want to see how normal people do it, like get up. Wash and teeth. Get dressed. Make coffee. Make breakfast. Put washer on. Etc. I feel like I can’t do mine cos I’ll forget something or make it unrealistic or just not stick to it. Shopping! Atm we have no bread, bin liners, actual food, we do have toilet roll which makes a huge change. We were using makeup removing wipes the other day.
I need to make a list of absolutely everything I need to do. If it’s all there I will be able to relax thinking about things cos it’s taken care of in the list… I just need to follow the list.
This is defo something my cbt dude can help me with….. but I’m still on the waiting list 8 weeks long!
So…. think I’ll  start by making notes on things I need on my agenda. Then I’ll make a routine that covers everything. My day will consist of checking the list and doing the things on it. The more I do the more it will commit to memory. The more I do it the happier I’ll feel and be able to think if good things instead if what im forgetting and what I need to do, it should, in theory, free up my head.

Running jerk part 2

So I stayed in my gear.. it’s comfy! Then after a nice tea of salmon and cous cous with salad, took the kids and lady dogging ton for a walk. Had a little debacle, someone kicked the ball over into one of the factory yards.. Tom, being the div, decided to climb the 12 foot spiked fence to get it back. The ball cost a quid!!! I told him to leave it.. he managed to get over and free the ball but then couldn’t get back over! He kept trying to climb but when he got to the top he had nowhere to put his feet to safely jump back over. Imagining punctured lungs and spikes in the shin I asked him to stop.. it was too scary. Option was to ring his dad for a ladder… but then his dad would be aware of his divishness.. he managed to climb a wall, reach his foot to a post a yard away and jump one landing on a luckily placed piece if grass ending in a forward roll. Quite impressive! But stoopid!!! Why don’t men listen? Always something to prove!
Anyhoo I decided to jog back home. I did much better than my previous attempt but shins still hurting along with my butt and back flabber flapping. Need to squash it into place! However now my legs are aching! Probably only a 3 minute jog haha but I was pooped after it.
I feel quite determined now that u have a goal. Before I attempt ‘running jerk hill’ (where you can indulge at least 10 people jogging at any one time) it’s got a big incline, before that I will master jogging to lidl at the top of my street and back.
I wouldn’t mind pushing myself a little bit further but the shin pain is fair bad. Plus I broke my foot last October (in a night club trying to get random strangers to dance) and it’s hurting after my jaunt… really wish I’d turned up fot my physio app!

I hope I can keep up the momentum… although as far as weight loss goes I’m not sure that drinking a tin of larger and a bottle of WKD is the best way to go :/

Running jerk

OK.  I’ve been to the lovely town of wigan to buy some running shoes. My last attempt at running gave me bad shin splints, assuming it may have been my 4 yr old trainers I’ve bought some new one.  So now I’m all kitted out and in my gear. I certainly look the part!
After choosing my footwear, the bearded guy in the shop that basically chose for me, asked do I need anything else… yes. The pants I bought from asda offer little support. I asked him “do you do running pants that have a lot of support, I have some, but when you’re a bit fat the flab jiggle and it hurts so I’m looking for some tighter pants” yea I’m sure you can imagine the dudes raised eyebrows, but it’s wigan, they’re used to that shit here.
Short answer.. no. He showed me some, same as I have. I tried on a 14s (none in my actual size) they were tight how I wanted but left my midriff looking like a munber 8! That’ll never do! So I left them and tried some sports bras on. After getting stuck in one, (I’m mean stuck! I nearly had to ask for help! Arms stuck up and my bobs hanging out the bottom!) And sweating now… I did the jump test and was amazed at 1 out of 6 different ones. Big boobs are a problem for any athlete. They’re even more of a problem if you’re not! So I now have a boob carrier and I won’t get black eyes when I attempt to run..
I say attempt cos that’s exactly what it was. I stepped out, sunglasses on for a disguise, and started jogging. I got half way up the street and had to stop. I was probably only going at fast walking speed but it was enough to knacker me out. So I walked the rest of the way. I tried a jog on way back and managed about the same distance before I again had to slow and catch my breath. So I power walked the rest of the way.
I’m pretty gutted but s’pose I have a goal to work towards now. Jog to lidl without stopping or collapsing!
Thinking if setting up the wii fit too. I used to do that every day and it did help towards getting a bit of cardio in.

Weight today 202.5lbs. Fat knacker!! If it’s not come down by next week…. I dont know. But it better!!!

Annoyed at myself for wasting days.

Lay down for a nap at 2pm… woke at 6.45pm! I’ve done nothing in the house. I quickly made tea for me and aidan.. omelet and chips. So I managed to recover ‘mum’ status.
I feel bad that there are so many things I need to do and I just keep wasting my days. Why is it I am constantly escaping myself. Previous to my nap I’d been reading. I considered this an achievement as I’ve not been able to concentrate much lately.. however now im seeing that, and my other recent hobby -colouring- both ways of escaping. As soon as I’d finished the book (The Girl Who Loved Tom Gordon-Stephen King) I cried a bit.. it was a happy ending.. then I got on the couch and dozed. I remember waking briefly to babble to tom on the phone and to let aidan in.
Sleeping in the day gives me bad brain zaps. When im startled awake it’s like someone
shook my brain and I’m all jerky for a few moments.. but today it has spread and seems to be linked to the zaps I’ve been feeling. It’s been 28 days since I stopped sertraline surely I should start to feel a bit more me? Maybe the mirtazapine isn’t as miraculous as I first thought. I got really upset yesterday and cried all the way to picking Tom up from work, I felt hopeless and defeated. I dont feel too bad today but I haven’t done anything that I wanted to, nor things I should do, normal things. Well.. I did brush my teeth earlier, but that’s it. I still need a bath. Why do I find personal hygiene such a challenge? Why can’t I just get up, make the bed, wash and dress then I can go downstairs and start my day knowing I’ve started it well because I’ve sorted the most important thing first, me.
The truth is that I don’t think about it, and if I do, which is usually a bit later on, I think ‘I’ll do it in a bit’. My mind doesn’t alert me to get it done. I want to feel like I need to do it.. like the feeling of I need to take the chicken out of the oven, or… I cant even think of anything I feel the need to do urgently! How bad is that?!
It’s time I sorted myself out… but I dont know how to, where to start, what to include.

I feel like I’m lost on a sea of jigsaw pieces, I have to put it together but I can’t find any corners, I can see a few edges but I don’t know if they’re the bottoms, sides, tops…. I’ve nowhere to sort the pieces into colours because I’m sat in them, on top of them.
If  I can put it all together, I can walk around it and immediately see what I need to do, no random bits just popping into my vision only to be swished out of my sight as soon as I spot them. No bits forgotten, every piece has its place and it fits with everything else.

So where do I start? I grab the must-remember bits that I see -I put a note in my calendar- sometimes (most times) a wave hits and knocks them out of my hands (I still forget after acknowledging what I need to do). I flip pieces that are easy to find, brightly coloured, the ones that I should do daily like feeding myself and kids properly, being clean, keeping the house clean, I flip them over to one side so I know where they are.. but then there’s just a big pile of random coloured pieces, I can’t make them fit so they just stay there unsorted.
Maybe I need to just fix patches of jigsaw.. then I have a big piece to surf upon so that I can easily see the important bits sticking up from the sea, I can pluck them aboard my raft and deal with them. Yea sounds like a plan… if you like in a world of jigsaw pieces! How do it put this into action? Write a list.. I do that all the time. Write a schedule? I do that too then I lose it or leave things till the next day.. tomorrow, tomorrow never comes.

If anyone can give me some idea of how to put my jigsaw life into perspective please tell me. I feel like I’ve tried all sorts of ways but nothing sticks, it gets too hard that it’s easier not to. I know it’s going to be a pain because I haven’t managed it in a while and im prepared to put in the effort, it just needs to be a feasible way that I can stick to. I dont even know how to explain it all properly. Maybe the cbt dude can help me?

The epithany

I love smoking weed. It was my life for 18 months. But recently I felt wretched all the bloody time. On the first may bank holiday I had an epithiny.

Before this time my life pretty much revolved around weed. It was my escape that didn’t leave me with a hangover. It made me feel happy, I felt that I understood everything, my mind worked better, I researched a lot and had a new business idea every 20 mins. But it also made me lazy,  incapable of dealing with everyday stuff,  made me have a lifestyle that my younger self would’ve been horrified at the thought.
I loved and had compassion for everyone, no one could upset me because I understood it all. When I started work I’d smoke as soon as I got home but towards the time when I went off sick I started smoking it before work.
I’d planned to make ‘green’ tea as a way of hiding the fact. A. knew I smoked it and although I waited for him to go to bed before I sparked up, he could smell it so my idea was to make a big batch of cannabutter and use it to make tea so a. was none the wiser. I’d planned to use my first batch as a house leaving party. My plan was to get all my smoking friends around,  line the floor with all the cushions in the house, chilled music, candles, drape fabric everywhere and drink copious amounts of my special brew. When I think now what I was planning, in my head it looks like a scene from a film where there is a seedy dim room with jos sticks, music and what look like dead bodies strewn everywhere. What was I planning? I hadn’t had a thought about anything else, just how chilled it would be and how monged we’d feel. I’d msgd the mates, they were all excited and well up for a monging session. I’d asked a. to stay at his grans, can’t remember what reason I gave but it would’ve been a lie.
We always did it in my house. It was a drugs den,  always smelling of dope, messy, roach cards and rolling mats everywhere. They bought pizza, things that were always visible were pizza boxes, beer bottles and tiny bits of ripped up card. They always left a mess and I cba tidying it.
I realised I’d become addicted to weed. I wanted it all the time, I was forgetful and lazy. I started to hate what I was doing but with so much other stuff going on it was my only pleasure.
It wasn’t as seedy as you’d imagine though, we’d sit around playing scrabble or poker for fag rolling duties, listening to classical music and discussing some really in depth stuff! It was fun and cheap and no ill effects (I thought). The lads would watch videos of how to make plane joints etc and I would research serotonin or spirituality.

image

This is the famous ash mug. It was always filled with butt’s and the rule was never to wash it. It broke whilst we we’re packing to move. We decided not to fix it because it was the end of an era.

Here is my epithany note. I dont usually reread my notes, but decided to spell check this one and when I did I was horrified when I did.

Invited to [brothers] for drinks. I put off going till later so I can have a smoke. Now im smashed and supposed to be able hold a conversation. I feel shit for doing it now and pissed off with myself for not recognising what im doing and put these kind of thoughts into my head. Or at least make them make me sad or worried or guilty. I can’t control these. Im ignorant, self centered and have a serious issue. Now how do I explain this?
Im lying to myself that I like it. I dont. But I feel like I need it and its become my highlight of the day. Ushering a. to bed so I can smoke and think like this. I think I have an addiction.

After reading what I’d wrote I shouted t. asked him to read what I’d wrote and asked him his thoughts. He agreed that he felt the same. He knew it was causing issues but was also reluctant to stop. I txt m. and told him I wasn’t coming, that I’d had a thought and it needed thinking about. He understood and said I could come later if I felt like it.
Being stoned hightens any feelings you have, so as I was feeling anxious and determined I made the wild decision with t. to quit it. We didn’t really want to but talked about why we needed to. It would mean massive changes. I felt empowered by my decision. I needed to feel proud of myself again and I couldn’t whilst living this way. We painstakingly gathered together all our smoking paraphernalia, I asked T. ‘is the a good idea? Why are we doing this?’ The answer he gave me will stay with me for the rest of my life and still spurs me on when I feel the need to get wasted

‘Because our life and what we have is worth more than this little pile’

That was it. This little pile of stalks, mats, tools, grinders and the half 10 bag we had left was ruining our lives. It was making us lazy, it made us lie, it governed our lives. Yes this was the right thing to do.
Shortly after our conversation t. had to work. I did not want to be left alone with it. I would smoke it. T. said he’d put it in the bin but I knew I’d get it out. I needed to tell someone. That would make the decision solid. So we left the stuff at home in its celebrations tub and t. went to work while I went to mums. I’d txt her to say I really needed to talk.
It was so hard to get it out, thankfully C. (stepdad) left the room. I stared at the carpet and began. ‘I think I’m addicted to smoking weed’. She knew I smoked but not to the extent that I did. She listened and I told her what I was doing, how it made me feel, and how we’d decided to stop. It was good getting it all out. I was ashamed. But feeling that ashamed gave me determination. She hugged me and told me how proud she was that I’d made these steps. She said she’d take the box and keep it. I felt shaky but good.
After mum’s I couldn’t go home so I walked to the next street to see my brother m. I told him everything too, he said he kind of knew it was getting too much, me smoking was no secret. The box and the little bag of life destroyer was still sitting on the couch waiting for me. When the effect of my massive joint started to wear off, I wanted another. Mark was making me watch a boring youtube video about religion and space. I wanted to go home… but I knew if I did I would smoke the last. ‘Last supper’. No. I decided that watching tripe while m. snoozed on his couch was what I would do till t. finished work around 1.30am. When he finished he called for me and we walked home and went to bed. The next morning mum came to collect the box. We gave the half bag to H.  That was it. It was gone. I sulked. I was stoned and made a rational decision, it wasn’t that bad really I just smoked it too much, if I only had one a night I’d be fine… these thoughts were in my mind hourly. I wanted to smoke. I needed it to wind down. I needed it because I couldn’t enjoy anything without it.

:/

A lot has happened over the last few days.
Main things are:
My mates that we used to ‘smoke’ with trying to get me to smoke again… telling me I should do it as a social thing, special occasion, it’s Aaron’s bday etc.
I soooo wanted to, but because I was defending and ax planing myself I made it impossible to have one.. which I’m glad of. My main worry was how I would feel knowing I’ve given in before I felt stable enough. Another was that I’d have to admit it if someone eg my mum asked me. Adding shame and guilt to my ever extending list of self hates.

I dropped my phone on Sunday morning. I was sat in the garden and being lazy I asked tobes to get my phone off charge. 10 mins later he brought it to me but let go before I had chance to get hold. It dropped at most q.5 feet! It bounced a little resulting in 3 edge scuffs and a fucking great cracking from top to bottom!!! My last phone has been in the bog, left in a night club, dropped millions of times from falling from my pocket or me skimming it and it is still in perfect condition… well.. it doesn’t have a crack!!!
I’m gutted.  I’ve had it 2 weeks. All these past 2 weeks I’ve been looking what would be best in terms of case etc. I’d found one and was awaiting my wage to buy it. That fucking sods law or angry phone god!! What is that? Why oh why? Fuck my life.

So I’ve been thinking of running for a lil while now, determined, I went to asda shopping! This is big for me. I’m a hermit lately and getting a ‘big’ trolley is pretty much a milestone. Anyhoo, in asda they had the running jerks style clothing fairly cheap compared to what I’d seen online. After searching through all the ‘s’s’ and ‘m’s’
(Bastards) finally located one single large jogging shorts and an xl top. It’s a size 20, I’m not quite that big yet (denial) but it was a nice lose fit hiding the fact that the ‘high impact’ sports bra I bought makes me have a butt in the middle of my back (sigh) check my sporty self out in the mirror… back butt.. check. camel toe… check. Hot pink luminous factor.. check. Jiggle when jumping.. check. Prolly should have bought some support stile jogging pants but hey ho. I’m gonna look like a big pink tit anyway.
So now I have the clobber, my trainers aren’t too bad for 4 years old so we got back and I got kitted up and power walked to 24hr garage at top of street for some baccer. Pain! In my shins. Annoying! Resulted in me googling all day for the cause and solution (prolly shoes).
On this same shopping trip I spent £140 with a total of 6 items of food. I’d been in a low mood all day and buying treats for myself was actually cheering me up. Bad sign. It was 2 days till payday so risking the time it takes to come out of my account (bad move it came out today… overdrawn!). The impulsive items I bought were: 2 hair dyes, expensive shower gel, ambipure plug in and fragrance, expensive whiskey, bacardi, the ‘get fit’ clobber, 2 adult colouring books, a pot of yoghurt (£2.59 and 600 cals (eaten in 1 sitting)) and loads of other crap I cant even remember. In other words. I wasted all that money but it brought me a few hours of happiness. … then sadness because I’d eaten all my treats, oh several packets of biscuits (2 packs eaten), and felt like a heffer, to take myself away from thinking about it I coloured in for 5 hours near enough, then felt bad for not doing anything (washing myself, tidying up, being generally productive) started thinking too much, scriked all the way to pick tom up (I often cry in the car. I can blubber loudly and no one notices. I look around at all the ‘happy’ people and wonder how long I’m gonna feel this shit for).
It’s that famous old saying (Fat Bastard -Austin Powers) “I eat because I’m unhappy and im unhappy because I eat”. Why can’t I control myself? It’s like my brain puts it’s fingers in its ears when the voice of reason tries to butt in.

Read a thing from ‘Tiny Buddah’ about over eating and some wise words from a woman that self admittedly said it took her YEARS to get over her habit. Oh yea. Thanx for that! I don’t have years! I’m sick if this life now, I don’t have years! Anyhoo here are some notes I made whilst reading said insight:

Why am I overeating?

It’s the only way I treat myself. I have nothing much to look forward to.
I hate the idea of wasting good food so I’ll polish it off instead of binning it.
If it’s there I cant stop thinking about it till it’s gone.
I forget my goals or they become unimportant. Just as other things in my life sometimes become less important than they should be, it’s like my brain overrides, makes me forget what I’d promised myself and blurs the consequences. Half of the time the food doesn’t even taste good, I feel fat and bloated for hours after.
It’s definitely a comfort and an escape as is the phone games and colouring
It’s tiring and boring counting calories
I forget to meal plan
I hardly ever shop so there’s nothing healthy in
Its expensive to eat healthily
Quick fatty food is tasty and convenient
I bought my pots downstairs from the bathroom, (kids used them as bath toys, Rosemary connelly portion pots) to measure my portions, they’re still waiting for me to clean the suds off!
I want to use a side plate instead so I’m controlling my portions.. I forget.
I start getting worried 1/4 way through my meal that I’m running out but still enjoying it.
Salt. If I didn’t eat salt, nothing would taste good therefore I’d leave it.
Lighter options taste shit. Marg falls off the knife when spreading, sweetener makes my teeth feel funny, bread is like cardboard.

“Give yourself a break, don’t beat yourself up, it’s OK to be….”
How much of a break do I need? I do it and everyday I give myself a break. It isn’t ok! I need berating and I need to focus not a fucking break!!! I’ve been having a break for the last…. all my life!!!

I’m not good enough. I’m not. Even with the whole “break” I’m not doing what I should so no wonder I feel like a hopeless failure all the time. There isn’t much I have control over.. living arrangements… kids… money… weather… I can control my food intake.. so why don’t I just bloody do it!!!!  (Nike thingy)
I’m not good enough. I dont wash.. clean up.. look after myself, house or my kids properly.. I’m lazy and I hate myself for being like this. You say don’t compare myself to others.. yet when I don’t I have nothing to do it for!
I obviously don’t care what others think cos I allow myself to walk around like this!

“Our biggest obstacles often turn into our biggest lessons. A screwed up relationship with food forces you to go deeper into yourself to really heal. It gently nudges you to explore the depths within you that you didn’t know where there, to heal all limiting beliefs, emotions, thoughts, and habits, and uncover who you really are.”

This I do believe. After a fashion. I think many people don’t even know where to start identifying their issues.
Over eating is a symptom of a deeper problem. In order to attack over eating we need to work out what our issues are. If you’re anything like me this will take you a long time. And lots of going around in circles. I’ll let you know when I find the turn off that doesn’t lead to a dead fucking end!

Yea I’m a bit sweary today. It’s all well and good telling us now you’re sorted how to think, it can’t be understood until you’re at that higher level when everything makes sense. How? Don’t just say I ‘need to stop comparing myself’ how can I when I know nothing different and everyone I meet does the same thing. How exactly do I stop comparing myself? And putting pressure on myself? I’ve done time not doing this and look where it left me!
If I didn’t compare myself I wouldn’t mind being fat… but you’re telling me how to get over it so it obviously bothered you at some point, so you must’ve compared yourself to get thinner and the new happy you you are today! So it’s not that simple if you’re an over thinker like I am. And you can’t just stop something you’ve spent a lifetime doing. Elaborate please?

Birthday plans

It’s my birthday soon. It kind of makes me feel childishly sad. I always imagine my birthday as a bigger deal than it ends up being. I want to make it special and an event to remember but usually I’m disappointed by friends not turning up, crap gifts, me getting drunk to destress myself and ending up in bed at 10.30pm.
I was thinking of a bbq party. So I made an event on Facebook and got to the invite page.. who do invite? There’s the usuals obviously but I’d like to invite people I’ve not seen for a while.. the kind you only see BIRTHDAYS and Christmas. That then poses problems.. I cant invite him and her cos they split up, no body likes him and her so everyone will pull their face,  I should invite her cos she’s mates with her and she’ll  want her to come anyway so she won’t be alone. If I invite her I’ll have to invite her mum who I hate cos she’ll wonder why she’s not been invited. Then there’s all the different groups that will clash.

If I’m honest, I only really want a party so I’ll get some presents and feel appreciated, and I know that’s selfish and the wrong idea to have a party. But I won’t get anything otherwise. Unless I invite people to be with me no one will turn up with cards or presents. Toms skint so I won’t get anything off him unless I buy it and give it to him to give to me.
But I want to feel special. I’ve had such a shit time lately I want something fun to look forward to. I’d like to see people making an effort for me as I always do for others. A party would do that, unless they don’t come which is likely. It’s right in holiday time so people are away or skint or pregnant, or have the kids. So if I go ahead and have a party I’ll be disappointed with people that don’t turn up or bring me a crap last minute present that has no thought in it. 

If I do something with just us it’ll be the same as it always is and I’m forking out for whatever we plan to do.
I feel like a spoiled bratt.
Maybe I should do something alone just for myself, that way I’ll have no expectations and can’t be disappointed.

Now I feel down cos I don’t know what to do that I can look forward to.

Is it that big a deal? It’s one of my friends birthdays today and she’s doing nothing. I could be the good mate and take her a card at least but I don’t want to. It involves thinking and planning and right now I wanna not think.

I had a camping holiday to look forward to but I can’t have it now cos I’m going back to work so gonna miss out on the one thing I was looking forward to… which I wasn’t really, cos u won’t be smoking so I won’t be able to have fun.

How can I fix this shit? Why can’t I just plod along and someone else organise a surprise party for me? Cos no one else is me

Sods law.

I was telling my sister the other day, that I no longer have periods since getting inplanon (hormonal implant contraception) I’m currently on my 3rd one, they last 3 years each and im half way through this on. I’ve never had a period while it’s been in my arm… which is ace! Also last week I gave all my tampax (from just before I had this recent one put in) to my mate, also regaling the amazing story of no periods.
Today I have come on! Why? I seriously think it’s because I said I don’t get them!!! There must me some little impish force just waiting to hear truths that they can prove wrong!
Kind of explains why I’ve been so cranky, bloated and the cramps… see im not used to them so I don’t recognise the signs.

Should have bloody said ‘touch wood’!