:/

A lot has happened over the last few days.
Main things are:
My mates that we used to ‘smoke’ with trying to get me to smoke again… telling me I should do it as a social thing, special occasion, it’s Aaron’s bday etc.
I soooo wanted to, but because I was defending and ax planing myself I made it impossible to have one.. which I’m glad of. My main worry was how I would feel knowing I’ve given in before I felt stable enough. Another was that I’d have to admit it if someone eg my mum asked me. Adding shame and guilt to my ever extending list of self hates.

I dropped my phone on Sunday morning. I was sat in the garden and being lazy I asked tobes to get my phone off charge. 10 mins later he brought it to me but let go before I had chance to get hold. It dropped at most q.5 feet! It bounced a little resulting in 3 edge scuffs and a fucking great cracking from top to bottom!!! My last phone has been in the bog, left in a night club, dropped millions of times from falling from my pocket or me skimming it and it is still in perfect condition… well.. it doesn’t have a crack!!!
I’m gutted.  I’ve had it 2 weeks. All these past 2 weeks I’ve been looking what would be best in terms of case etc. I’d found one and was awaiting my wage to buy it. That fucking sods law or angry phone god!! What is that? Why oh why? Fuck my life.

So I’ve been thinking of running for a lil while now, determined, I went to asda shopping! This is big for me. I’m a hermit lately and getting a ‘big’ trolley is pretty much a milestone. Anyhoo, in asda they had the running jerks style clothing fairly cheap compared to what I’d seen online. After searching through all the ‘s’s’ and ‘m’s’
(Bastards) finally located one single large jogging shorts and an xl top. It’s a size 20, I’m not quite that big yet (denial) but it was a nice lose fit hiding the fact that the ‘high impact’ sports bra I bought makes me have a butt in the middle of my back (sigh) check my sporty self out in the mirror… back butt.. check. camel toe… check. Hot pink luminous factor.. check. Jiggle when jumping.. check. Prolly should have bought some support stile jogging pants but hey ho. I’m gonna look like a big pink tit anyway.
So now I have the clobber, my trainers aren’t too bad for 4 years old so we got back and I got kitted up and power walked to 24hr garage at top of street for some baccer. Pain! In my shins. Annoying! Resulted in me googling all day for the cause and solution (prolly shoes).
On this same shopping trip I spent £140 with a total of 6 items of food. I’d been in a low mood all day and buying treats for myself was actually cheering me up. Bad sign. It was 2 days till payday so risking the time it takes to come out of my account (bad move it came out today… overdrawn!). The impulsive items I bought were: 2 hair dyes, expensive shower gel, ambipure plug in and fragrance, expensive whiskey, bacardi, the ‘get fit’ clobber, 2 adult colouring books, a pot of yoghurt (£2.59 and 600 cals (eaten in 1 sitting)) and loads of other crap I cant even remember. In other words. I wasted all that money but it brought me a few hours of happiness. … then sadness because I’d eaten all my treats, oh several packets of biscuits (2 packs eaten), and felt like a heffer, to take myself away from thinking about it I coloured in for 5 hours near enough, then felt bad for not doing anything (washing myself, tidying up, being generally productive) started thinking too much, scriked all the way to pick tom up (I often cry in the car. I can blubber loudly and no one notices. I look around at all the ‘happy’ people and wonder how long I’m gonna feel this shit for).
It’s that famous old saying (Fat Bastard -Austin Powers) “I eat because I’m unhappy and im unhappy because I eat”. Why can’t I control myself? It’s like my brain puts it’s fingers in its ears when the voice of reason tries to butt in.

Read a thing from ‘Tiny Buddah’ about over eating and some wise words from a woman that self admittedly said it took her YEARS to get over her habit. Oh yea. Thanx for that! I don’t have years! I’m sick if this life now, I don’t have years! Anyhoo here are some notes I made whilst reading said insight:

Why am I overeating?

It’s the only way I treat myself. I have nothing much to look forward to.
I hate the idea of wasting good food so I’ll polish it off instead of binning it.
If it’s there I cant stop thinking about it till it’s gone.
I forget my goals or they become unimportant. Just as other things in my life sometimes become less important than they should be, it’s like my brain overrides, makes me forget what I’d promised myself and blurs the consequences. Half of the time the food doesn’t even taste good, I feel fat and bloated for hours after.
It’s definitely a comfort and an escape as is the phone games and colouring
It’s tiring and boring counting calories
I forget to meal plan
I hardly ever shop so there’s nothing healthy in
Its expensive to eat healthily
Quick fatty food is tasty and convenient
I bought my pots downstairs from the bathroom, (kids used them as bath toys, Rosemary connelly portion pots) to measure my portions, they’re still waiting for me to clean the suds off!
I want to use a side plate instead so I’m controlling my portions.. I forget.
I start getting worried 1/4 way through my meal that I’m running out but still enjoying it.
Salt. If I didn’t eat salt, nothing would taste good therefore I’d leave it.
Lighter options taste shit. Marg falls off the knife when spreading, sweetener makes my teeth feel funny, bread is like cardboard.

“Give yourself a break, don’t beat yourself up, it’s OK to be….”
How much of a break do I need? I do it and everyday I give myself a break. It isn’t ok! I need berating and I need to focus not a fucking break!!! I’ve been having a break for the last…. all my life!!!

I’m not good enough. I’m not. Even with the whole “break” I’m not doing what I should so no wonder I feel like a hopeless failure all the time. There isn’t much I have control over.. living arrangements… kids… money… weather… I can control my food intake.. so why don’t I just bloody do it!!!!  (Nike thingy)
I’m not good enough. I dont wash.. clean up.. look after myself, house or my kids properly.. I’m lazy and I hate myself for being like this. You say don’t compare myself to others.. yet when I don’t I have nothing to do it for!
I obviously don’t care what others think cos I allow myself to walk around like this!

“Our biggest obstacles often turn into our biggest lessons. A screwed up relationship with food forces you to go deeper into yourself to really heal. It gently nudges you to explore the depths within you that you didn’t know where there, to heal all limiting beliefs, emotions, thoughts, and habits, and uncover who you really are.”

This I do believe. After a fashion. I think many people don’t even know where to start identifying their issues.
Over eating is a symptom of a deeper problem. In order to attack over eating we need to work out what our issues are. If you’re anything like me this will take you a long time. And lots of going around in circles. I’ll let you know when I find the turn off that doesn’t lead to a dead fucking end!

Yea I’m a bit sweary today. It’s all well and good telling us now you’re sorted how to think, it can’t be understood until you’re at that higher level when everything makes sense. How? Don’t just say I ‘need to stop comparing myself’ how can I when I know nothing different and everyone I meet does the same thing. How exactly do I stop comparing myself? And putting pressure on myself? I’ve done time not doing this and look where it left me!
If I didn’t compare myself I wouldn’t mind being fat… but you’re telling me how to get over it so it obviously bothered you at some point, so you must’ve compared yourself to get thinner and the new happy you you are today! So it’s not that simple if you’re an over thinker like I am. And you can’t just stop something you’ve spent a lifetime doing. Elaborate please?